A Shorter, Harsher Titanic

(Scene 4)

LEONARDO:

I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE:
That is terrible.
LEONARDO:
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE:
Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE:

(aside)

I'm getting the raw end of the deal here:
(to Leonardo)
Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO:
Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE:
Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway. . .
AUDIENCE:
Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO:
He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE:
Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE:
I hate you people.
Scene Five